Barely Legally

Confessions of a Moot Court Bailiff

Hit and Run and Run

Jon Jones is one of the best mixed martial artists in the world. Up until very recently, he competed in the Ultimate Fighting Championship, the biggest MMA league in the world. But last week, he did one of the stupidest things… in the world.

Reports filed by Detective Tommy Benavidez of the Albuquerque Police Department indicate that Jones is a primary suspect in a hit-and-run accident that took place Sunday afternoon. According to witnesses, a silver Buick driven by a man believed to be Jones allegedly ran a red light and caused a three-car accident that left a pregnant woman with a broken arm.

In 2012, Jones pled guilty to drunk driving in my hometown after wrecking his car which cost more than most houses in said hometown. At least the only thing he hit last time was a telephone pole. This time, he’s very lucky he didn’t kill anyone.

But it gets way dumber:

The man allegedly fled the scene on foot, before returning to retrieve cash from his vehicle then fleeing once more.

Well, okay. That’s… dumb. Must have been a lot of money if he was willing to return to the scene of his felony hit and run and then re-run away. But at least he got everyth-

A pipe with marijuana inside of it was found within the rental vehicle by officers, along with paperwork with the name “Jonathan Jones” affixed in relation to MMA and Nevada.

Oh, come on. You took the cash and left the controlled substance and your license to fight? How high were you, man?

Well, okay. Maybe you can lie and say a friend of yours was borrowing your rental car for some reason. Everyone was probably too shocked to get a good description of you for the cops f-

Off-duty police officer J. Sullivan identified the man as Jones, stating on the report, “I watch UFC all the time, I know what Jon Jones looks like.”

Oh, honey.